Amy's Lament and Requiem Parts I and II
by Quirky Del
Summary: [Jo,Laurie,Amy] 'I know that his smile wasn't, still isn't, meant for me. It belongs to the love that he keeps bound and locked away in his heart...the love that denied him.' UPDATED WITH PART II!
1. AMY'S LAMENT

**Standard Disclaimer inserted here (I do not own Little Women or the characters – that is why this is _fanfiction_. Though, I am most grateful to the lovely Louisa May Alcott for putting down on paper such wonderful and lively characters so that they may live on in our hearts and minds.)**

**Author's Note: This is written according to the Little Women book, not the films (though the June Allyson and Winona Ryder films of said novel are simply beautiful!). **

**Also, I have put in a ticket request to have our own section for Little Women (weeks ago! Hopefully, they get back to me soon!), but I got impatient so I decided to go ahead and post this here in the miscellaneous books section until then! **

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**AMY'S LAMENT**

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He's still in love with her.

Anyone can see it. The way his eyes automatically search her out, as if it's second nature to him. I suppose it is, after all of these years. They've always shared a bond that no one else could quite decipher – or be a part of. Peas in a pod, the two of them together, against the world. No one else was ever quite granted admittance. None of us were special enough.

Do I sound bitter?

I could try to tell myself that I am not – I _do_ tell myself that I am not bitter, not at all...well, perhaps a smidgen. After all, he is _my_ husband.

You may ask yourself why I would marry a man knowing full well that he was still in love my sister. I ask myself that very same question every day. But then he looks up at me with his chin tucked in, those big and mischievous eyes, a stray strip of hair brushing his lashes and I melt. Just like I always fizzed and frittered over him, ever since that very first time that Jo brought him over to the house. He gives me that smile of his and guilt stabs my heart, because I know that that smile wasn't – still isn't – meant for me. It belongs to the love that he keeps bound and locked away in his heart – the love that denied him. He tries to give it to me, he really does; but even at his most jovial and tender moments with me, I can see it. I can see the sadness hiding there, just bubbling under the surface. The melancholy that is forever brewing within him.

I often wonder what would have happened if we hadn't gotten married. Could he and Jo have worked things out if he had returned from Europe alone? Jo was changed when we came home – I could see it as soon as I first laid eyes on her. Losing our dear Beth altered her permanently – we all loved her to pieces, but she was always closest to Jo. Though we had written to the family of our engagement together, they did not know that we had actually been married since. Laurie had insisted on telling Jo first – alone. I'll admit that a giant ball of jealously fired in my stomach when he initially mentioned it. We had barely been wedded and already he was looking forward to spending time with my sister alone; _just like the old times_, I thought ruefully.

It had been arranged that I would busy myself with the rest of the family while he spoke to her. We arrived at Meg's home first, and everyone but the 'Wild Seagull' was there; Jo was holed up at home in front of the fire by herself, a pastime that Marmee said she often dwelled in these days. So, my new husband silently excused himself from the fray and snuck away to tell her our news. My mind was reeling with what the exchange was consisting of, I couldn't quiet my thoughts. So, after a few moments I untangled myself from my loving family and made my way toward where I knew they were hiding. Voices, so familiar and dear to me as my own beating heart, were wafting through the cracked doorway and there they were. It was a picture of the past, Jo was plumped down on her favourite spot on the old sofa, Laurie seated close by. I stood quietly when something he said stabbed at my heart,

"How good it sounds to hear you say 'Teddy'! No one ever calls me that but you."

The utter contentment in his voice was not lost on me, and I couldn't help the jealousy that once again invaded my body. I had only _once_ called him that, back when we were getting reacquainted in Nice. I had only just discovered the truth of what had transpired between he and Jo at home, after I had left for Europe. I was trying to console him, and I thought that using Jo's old beloved name for him might help him to feel comforted but I could not have been more sorely mistaken. I'll _never_ forget the look in his eyes or his words when he vehemently exclaimed, "Don't, that's _her_ name for me!"

I pulled myself out of that dark memory and blinked a few times to regain my focus. I was still standing, ever so quiet and unknown at the front door. I knew that I shouldn't be listening – well, easedropping – in their conversation, but I couldn't help myself. I strained my ears to listen. It seemed as if they had settled into their former easy banter and I was about to walk in and make myself known when I froze.

Jo had just remarked breezily, "Of course you did; you always have things to suit you."

But it was Laurie's answer that turned me rigid.

"_Not always_."

His voice was so completely raw and bitter and passionate and somehow hollow all at once – I've never heard it that thick and bare before or since. I know that Jo heard it, too, for she changed topics with lightening speed. So, I did the only thing that I could...I mutely turned around and walked away. I rejoined the little party at my sister's house and attempted my hardest to bade away the sudden illness biting at my soul. I knew at that moment that this was the way it would always be – he would devote himself to me by way of being a loving and doting husband...but his heart would always belong to her; his heart would always really, truly belong to my flighty, impassioned, fire-blooded sister.

And even now, as I sit here wrapped round in my pathetic little lament, I know what resides in his most important drawer. It's the place where he always reserves for a precious few coveted items; a place that he's not aware that I know exists. It holds articles very near and dear to him; letters tied together nicely with the unmistakable flowery penmanship covering it; the sketch of Jo from my portfolio that he had snatched away that afternoon, stuffing it in his vest pocket claiming that he just wanted "to keep it from blowing away"; and on top of all of this sat the most melancholy thing that I've ever seen – that little old ring that Jo had given him so long ago. All of these things held such a reverence with him, it was a secret sadness that he kept to himself and I was not allowed access to. Not a speck of dust is ever seen, it's all well maintained, it's painfully obvious that he takes great care with them and looks after them often. Which only serves to break my heart all the more.

This always comes back to the same question – why would I marry a man that is so clearly still in love with my sister – one that always would be. The answer is also always the same...because it's Laurie. Laurie with the giant soulful eyes, Laurie with the quick smile, Laurie with the handsome hair (that he to this day leaves long because Jo told him she prefers it so), Laurie with the cool comfort that I can not live without. In short, I never understood how Jo could ever deny him; but I just never had the heart to, even when I knew that I was merely the next best thing to him.

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**I've sweetly loved this book and the characters for many years, but this is the first story I've ever written for it. I'm submitting a ticket to hopefully have it added as a category; we need more Little Women stories! **

**Please review, that would be a very lovely thing for you to do: )**


	2. AMY'S REQUIEM

**Author's Note – Warning – this is quite a bleak sequel. I felt that this could be one way it could go, and I wanted to experiment with it. I just want to warn you that it's quite dark, just so you know...right, if you still would like to read I would Love to hear your thoughts after: )**

**Ah – I should add this would take place before Amy and Laurie had their daughter. Whether Jo and Fritz have any children can be left ambiguous...**

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**Amy's Requiem**

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Dearest Husband – _My Lord, My Laurie_,

I just can't do it any longer. I'm so sorry, so desperately sorry. I've tried, really I have. I've tried to pretend that I didn't know what I know. That I don't see what's in front of me, plain as my nose. That I don't hear the way you speak to her.

I can't pretend that I didn't know from the start. I did. I so wanted to fool myself into thinking that you would be be able to replace her with me. I should have known better. How could I ever take Jo's place in your heart?

It's not your fault, my lord...'My Lord' – even that sounds cold, doesn't it? I never could be warm like Jo. She is the sun and I the moon. We're different as night and day. Even our names for you show it. I always meant to be playful with my pet name for you, and I had the idea that you returned my sentiment when you always replied with 'My Lady'. It's not the same, though, is it? But calling you _Teddy_, that's such a comforting, cozy name that only my hot blooded sister could afford you. I always wanted to call you that, but you wouldn't let me, would you? Well, I say blast to that and I shall address you as such for the remainder of this letter. _Teddy._ See? I don't give a whit if you don't want me to call you by _her_ name...it's too late to care, anyway.

The thought of how this farewell will find you troubles my heart tremendously. I'm afraid there isn't any other way. You know that we can't go on this way – either of us. It's like a slow icy poison trickling through our veins and I just can't stand to detain it's effects any longer. We both need to be released from our ill advised decision – we both need to be free.

What worries me most is what will happen after I'm gone. Will things really be put to right by my leaving? That's what's been holding me back thus far. I can't bear to begin to think of how my family will react. I don't want to put any more dark clouds in their sky, we've all had so many already. This really is the only road that I can take. I won't lie to you, Teddy dear – I am frightened. There's only one thought that sustains my fear and that is of being reunited with sweet Bethy.

I am also most terrified of what sort of reception will greet me when I reach those pearly gates of heaven. I am not a fool, I know that what I'm about to do is not acceptable in the great book...but I also know that He understands suffering and I am hoping that our loving Beth could give a word for me. I never realized how much I needed her until she was so cruelly ripped away from us. I need her goodness to help me through. I need her strength. She always was the angelic one.

I don't expect you to understand; I don't expect anyone to. I don't understand it, myself. All I know is that this thumping gaping wound inside is engulfing me a little more each day and there's nothing stopping it's escalation. I know it's selfish of me, but then again I always was the selfish one.

Please give comfort to Meg. I know she will take my going very hard, and she already has so much on her shoulders. Tell her twins that I love them and I didn't want to leave them...but please, don't tell them my particular demise. I do not want them to grow up thinking their Aunt Amy weak...even though it is the truth. Let Meg know that I will be happier where I am. She always was the maternal one.

And Jo – I needn't tell you how to comfort Jo. You know her better than anyone ever has or will. I wanted to be her; always, even before my rivalry for you, dearest. I would never tell her that. I had to look down at her boyish and wild ways, but the truth of the matter was that I wanted to emulate her in almost every way. She always knows what she wants and gets it – well, '_not always_' as she once said to you. Yes, my lord, I heard that conversation the two of you had when we first returned home, married. Forgive me for eavesdropping, it wouldn't be contained. You and my sister were a match made by Providence and I should have never intervened what the natural course would have been.

I wanted you for myself and the Professor needed our Jo. Our love for you both blinded us to reality. I've been watching the Bhaers closely as of late, and I can tell you, Teddy – for I will use that name for my remainder – I can tell you that my sister is in love with you.

The poor Professor knows, dearest. He knows, just like I've known. And he's tried to ignore it, just as I have; but I can see it weighting his already aged shoulders. It won't come as a surprise to him. Please just promise me, both you and Jo, promise me that you will take extra kindness when you break the news to him of your inevitable union. He's been through so much, and we two have formed a somewhat tentative bond over our shared heartache. Oh, I know that neither you nor Jo wanted to hurt us. I know that both of you are hurt, as well. It's time to stop the hurt.

Please tell Jo that I will be alright. Tell her that her Beth and I will be together and take care of each other in the highest and truest castle in the air. Let her know that I love her dearly, admire her greatly, and will miss her terribly! She always was the sentimental one...even though she went to pains to deny it!

I just looked out the window and I find that it's time to hasten my goodbye. You will be home soon and I need to leave softly, before you find me with the salty trails veiling my cheeks. I don't want you to see me like this. I'm glad that we had such a wonderful and quiet evening together last night. I'm glad that I looked my loveliest this morning – and you at your most dashing – when we parted; the last time we'll ever see each other.

You don't know this, but I've been thinking of how I'm going to leave this world for some time now. Sitting right across of you. You smiling at me, having no clue how I hide my broken and bleak thoughts behind a sad smile. I kept thinking how would Jo want to leave this world? Some romantically melancholy exit, no doubt. After much debating I have finally conceived my sad little plan, but I shall not share it. I don't wish to torment you with any details. I am so, so sorry, my love. I said that already, but I had to tell you once more. I love you. I love you, Theodore Laurence, and that shall never change, not even in death. All I want is for you to be happy; but forgive me, dear husband – I can not stay and watch. That would kill me and turn me blacker than what I'm about to do will, sure as Sunday. Don't forget what I said about handling the kind Professor with care when you finally get your true love back. And please, please tell Marmee and Father that I love them both very much and I will be waiting for them when the time comes. Thank your grandfather for all of his immense kindness to the Marches. I will be waiting for all of you when it's His will to reunite us; for the more I dwell on it, the more I'm certain that He will forgive me and welcome me to his palace. We will be together again, Laurie, one day. Only then, it will all be as it should be – the family together and you with Jo by your side...as it was meant to be all along.

I love you. Goodbye.

With all the love that my heart can muster,

Your Lady, Amy Laurence

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**Whew! That was actually a bit draining to even write! Sorry, hope you all aren't too angry with me for exploring such a dark path as a possibility for her. I just felt that it could happen this way and I thought it'd be a good exercise to write. Anyway, I would be quite grateful if you have the time to let me know if you liked it, hated it, loved it – heehee – you know, whatever! **


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